Alternative Pet Names for Your Significant Other

Have you ever been hungover at a weekend brunch sweating out alcohol from the night before when idle conversation at the table next to yours cuts through the haze and you find yourself suddenly and inexplicably filled with disgust for total strangers?

It’s just that when you’ve made the hideous mistake of sitting down next to a table of four very chatty couples and you generally don’t have the easiest time thinking over ambient noise, you best have your wits about you. Otherwise, it’s easy to get sucked into couple A’s dilemma about letting their parents pay their rent for them and couple B’s cat’s digestive problems. Anyways, that’s not really what this article is about.

This article is for all the people in relationships who don’t want to rely on “babe” and “sweetie” to express their affection for their significant other — who want something just ever so slightly more tailored to the unique qualities of the person they love (or like, matched with on Tinder or whatever). Because let me tell you, there’s nothing more irritating or confusing then (mostly) involuntarily eavesdropping on eight people who keep using the word “babe” when you can’t turn around to see who each person is referring to. Here are some suggestions based on your partner’s personality.

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Croissant!

Look at these two adorable croissants spooning. Much like these croissants, your beau is warm, comforting, and a little flaky.

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Kale

Annoyingly trendy but ultimately very good for you.

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Weed

Some of the best nights of your life have been spent eating midnight Micky D’s with this person, although it’s hard to remember exactly what anyone said. Not so long ago there’s no way you would have been able to bring this person home to meet your parents, but times have changed, and now the appeal of your only slightly stinky SO is universal.  

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Xanax

Being with this person is relaxing. Whatever the stressor, this person knows all the right words to say to calm you down. Maybe you’re a high-strung Type A personality who instinctively and compulsively plans ahead. Your lil’ Xanax’s extreme chill factor reminds you that there are few things a good nap can’t cure.

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Parking meter

You paid your dues and now you’re celebrating the minutes as they go by — you’d been circling for what felt like years and grabbing this spot was no easy feat.

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Brisket

Started out tough but you patiently nurtured this person and your relationship — and now your hunk of meat is pliable and smells great.

 

Just the tips | Dating with Bumble

Thank God!  Bumble is here to save lonely guys from online rejection.  No more wasting time thinking of the best pickup line just like guys have been doing in bars/parties/the grocery store since puberty.  The girls have to talk to you first! Oh how the dating tables have turned.dating animated GIF

In order to help lonely guys everywhere, here are some areas to focus on to maximize your Bumble experience.

The Profile Picturepitch perfect animated GIF

Bumble is 95% pictures and 5% everything else. You NEED a good profile picture, and I’m not talking about a picture with you and your bros bro-ing out at a BroBQ.  The speed of the app caters to headshot style pictures.  She isn’t going to spend time looking at your bio like Tinder. 

A simple picture of your face will most likely be your only chance…so hope you’re good looking!  Just kidding…kind of.  Case and point, my roommate (good looking dude) has a headshot of him and his friend, Kelly (the most attractive man I have ever laid eyes on), as his profile picture.

He gets probably 30 matches a day.  Now no offence to Harry here, but I’m betting that none of these girls took the time to figure out which of the guys in the picture was him.  But they always message him. Always.  So props!

The Initial “Hey”

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HAH! Jokes on you, entire male population.  As much as Bumble planned on turning the online dating game on its head, most girls are still uncomfortable/apathetic about crafting perfect pick up lines to woo us stallions.  90% of the time, the most you are going to get is a “Hey” (or if you are really lucky “Heyyyy”). 

Accept it.  Own it.  Or don’t? The girl of your dreams would probably make a clever remark about one of your adorable pictures right? I don’t know man, the jury’s still out for that one.  Just realize you are essentially at the same place as Tinder or Hinge in terms of wooing your match. App based dating is still a new concept and the rules are still being written. One thing is for sure, however, people already know what they don’t like when it comes to dating.

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This is what it all comes down to.  She gave you a “hey” with a few extra “y”s at the end, so you already know she is down for Taco Tuesday. There is a lot of pressure in responses on online dating, but with Bumble remember one thing: She hit you up first, man.  She totally digs you!

Well maybe she thought you were actually the other guy in your profile picture, but still.  Even though you have to come up with the conversation topic or a funny line, she at least took the time to acknowledge you right?  And honestly, that feels pretty good.  Maybe Bumble actually has figured it all out…

How To Not Get a Second Date

Is there anything more nerve-wracking than a looming first date with someone new? It is an event that is both thrilling and terrifying. The struggle to make a good first impression on a potential suitor never fails to flood the mind with a variety of questions.

Some of them are practical: it’s 2015, should we split the check? Some are delicate: should I invite them inside? Some are inane: should I tell them about my fear of elevators?

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And the list goes on. If you want to ensure that there’s going to be a second date, it can feel like every little thing you bring up could send the other person running for the hills. I mean, we want them to learn about us as people, yes, but we don’t want to shower them with all the bleak stuff about our lives just yet, you know?

Luckily, if you’ve already hit it off and are cruising through conversation sans difficulties, you’re probably going to be fine. But just as a friendly reminder – there are a couple of things that you should 100% never, ever do on a first date unless you’re trying desperately to get out of a second one.

Talking about your ex

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Don’t. Do. This. This is not the time to rant about how your ex-girlfriend “just didn’t get” you. It shows that you haven’t moved on yet, and is super off-putting. Force yourself to shut up and talk about how much you love The Wire or whatever instead.

Talking exclusively about yourself

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Do people know that they’re doing this? Because it’s legitimately awful and eye-roll worthy. It doesn’t matter if you’re the most interesting person on the planet, if you don’t occasionally shut the fuck up and engage with the person sitting across from you, you’re never going to get a second date. And you probably don’t deserve one.

Being rude to the waiter/bartender/anyone

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Stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Seriously. Being a dick to someone just trying to do their job is uncalled for and a massive red flag for deeper issues. Until you acquire some basic manners, please do everyone else a favor and remove yourself from the dating pool.

Using your phone constantly

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Why do people think this is okay? Unless you’re texting emojis to Dominos to get you and your date a large pizza or showing them a picture of your cat, put away the goddamn iPhone. Checking your friend’s drunken snapchats can wait.

Making ignorant statements about sensitive/important topics 

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From vaguely sexist comments to Donald Trump-level declarations about race and gender, there is nothing worse on a first date than the moment where it dawns on you that the person sipping on an overpriced drink in front of you is kind of awful.

On the plus side, now that they’ve shown their true colors, you can feel good about never going on a second date with them and forever ignoring their texts.

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In short, to get a second date, you’re gonna want to aim to not be a terrible person on the first one.

So, do you think you can manage that?

Grown-up Things | Moving in Together

Maybe it’s been months, or even years that you’ve contemplated moving in with your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. But there’s a whole range of reasons and fears that prevent you from doing so. Your parents, friends and colleagues think you’re too young. Or maybe you’re just not ready to give up all of your gross habits. I am twenty-one and have been living happily with my boyfriend for almost two years. We both have busy schedules, so sharing an apartment makes it easier to hang out. If the thought of moving in with your significant other feels exciting, and even a little scary, go for it! Our culture makes this seem like such a grown-up marriage thing, but it really doesn’t have to be. We all need a home. Here’s what you should consider before making the move:

Observe their current living habits

I know you might be unconditionally in love with this person, but you have to treat them like a roommate for a second. If you’re a neat and tidy person and your partner is not, this will cause serious issues. You’ll end up resenting them for never washing the dishes and may take this frustration out in other damaging ways. Harmony in habit = harmony in the relationship.

Splitting up rent & other expenses

Figure out how much income is being made between the two of you and decide on a proportional rent budget. It’s best to make things as fair as possible. If your partner makes more money than you do per month, they should pay more rent. Then look at other expenses, like water & gas, internet, and electricity. Split the most expensive one and divide the others. Do your grocery shopping together – it’s fun and cheap(ish)! You can split the bill according to your grocery budgets.

You will share literally EVERYTHING

You’re going to sleep in the same bed, share all your groceries, use the same shower products, pee in the same toilet, you name it! Unless of course you buy something ridiculously expensive and/or personal and want it all for yourself, which is totally understandable. You’re also going to be sharing emotions. We all have our fluctuations of happy and sad, and you might see a side to each other you never knew before. But if you create a support system and separate the effects of the day-to-day grind from your love life, the relationship will prosper.

Credit: http://bit.ly/1k0hlY5

Have a life outside the home/relationship

Let’s be real – we all get annoyed with each other eventually. She hates the way you talk to her, and the way you cut your hair. You hate the way she drives your car, and you hate it when she stares. But 99% of the time, you both just need some space. It’s healthy to miss each other every once in a while. Go to the club with your girlfriends, sing-a-long with Taylor Swift, talk shit. Wake n’ bake with the bros and play FIFA all day. Whatever. By the end of the day you won’t care that she forgot to get quarters for laundry. Again.

Credit: 10 Things I Hate About You

Clarify your intentions

Moving in with your significant other means different things to different people. For some, it is very serious and considered a pre-marriage step. For others, it can be fun and casual. Communicate why you want to live together. However, if you are considering the move strictly for financial benefit, I would suggest holding off for a while. This next step in your relationship should be based on the love and passion you have for each other, not temporary financial convenience. It is also important to note that uncertainty about the future is ok. We are young, and most of the time life does not go according to plan. Just make sure you communicate a mutual openness to the changes that will come.

Have a plan for when shit hits the fan

You made an adult decision to move in together, so you have to act like adults if you break up. Put both names on the lease so that you are equally responsible for rent. That way neither of you will get screwed over with all the costs later on. Have a back-up place to stay while figuring out your next move, otherwise it’s going to be pretty awkward sharing the same bathroom and kitchen with your ex. Also, be aware of who paid for what possessions so that you can take what is rightfully yours upon moving out.

Living with your sig. other will be tough at times, but mostly (hopefully) it will be a blast! There’s nothing better than creating unforgettable memories with someone you love, and sharing a home is just an extension of that.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty.”                  – Theodore Roosevelt

Our Anxiety With Dating Apps

There’s no getting around the fact that how human beings interact on a romantic/sexual/emotional basis has changed remarkably in the last decade. While dating has always undoubtedly been a complex and annoyingly stressful phenomenon, now it’s becoming very differently layered. The old rules are still there, but they’re changing. Fast. And we’re all just trying to keep up.

I love technology, and dating is a thing I’ve been known to dabble in, but I honestly think I might just be way too fucking anxious for dating apps. I’m completely aware that a good majority of young people find staring at a stranger’s carefully chosen selfie to be a fun pastime and not at all anxiety-inducing, but I just can’t do it. It’s so much work. There are an insane amount of lonely (or narcissistic) people out there, and after a while they all start to run together in a witty-message-shaped-blur. It loses novelty value very fast.

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But I know that instant gratification can be a rush, too. Tinder is narcissistic validation in the palm of your hand. I have, however, used them for long enough to know that messages on dating apps inevitably fall into a few easily definable categories.

The genuine attempt at connection.

This person read your profile top to bottom sent you off something that addresses as many in-common things as possible. They are almost definitely new to the game. These are the ones I usually respond to before freaking out and app-deleting.

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The self-aware and burned out shout into the void

This person has hit the point of copy-and-paste, and whether or not they’re trying to conceal that, it’s painfully obvious. They have stared into the romantic internet void and it has stared back into them and left them like this.

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The “let’s meet up without ever talking!” message

This person doesn’t care that you (a complete stranger) might chop them up and deposit them in trash bags on the side of the highway. They do not care. They don’t know anything about you, but they do want to know if next Thursday is a good day for grabbing coffee or getting murdered or whatever.

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The boring and forgettable pick up lines.

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The horny serial killer approach

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The Point

But it wasn’t just the messages that made me anxious. It was also the discomfort brought on by a growing awareness of a weird contradiction between intimacy and personal detachment that I couldn’t shake even after seeing a 98% compatibility score. None of it felt real or meaningful in any way. It kinda felt made up, overly common, and bullshitty.  

And it’s all this effort expended for….what? To put a rush order on sexual/emotional/romantic gratification? That didn’t seem worth it. I wondered if I was alone in thinking that it was a lot of work for very little reward, so I decided to do research.

In place of conducting a legit scientific study on my too-much-effort-sucks theory, I surveyed a sample size of a whopping two guys at work how they felt about dating apps. They both agreed that while it was fun at first, it soon began to feel predictable and like a chore. It was, they admitted, a lot of effort for little reward. Relief trickled in. It was nice to know that I wasn’t completely alone in my laziness.

They didn’t 100% share my sense of existential anxiety about the detached nature of dating apps, but they did both admit that using the app didn’t feel super intimate, and neither of them indicated that they got particularly attached to anyone they connected with.

Also, I was the only one worried about serial killers.

Potential Ted Bundys aside, I can see why people using dating apps. Technology is great, and apps like Tinder serve a purpose (whatever that may be) for a lot of people my age. But I think there is an anxiety that comes from using these apps that reflects how we’re struggling to keep up with today’s ever-changing technology while still figuring out how to do the oldest thing on the planet – sleep with attractive people.

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As for me, I’ll just be over here, waiting for people to find my social anxiety endearing. Without swiping right. 

How Not to Tinder

Making a dating profile is a lot like a first date. You want to showcase your best, most adventurous, funniest, most charming self as quickly and directly as possible.

As someone who is a self-proclaimed tinder addict, I have, for lack of a better word, harassed several of my recently single / permanently single friends to get on tinder and “get on out there.” My sales pitch normally goes something like “you don’t have to meet anyone, you don’t even have to talk to anyone, just swipe, it’s fun and a good self-esteem booster.” I recently learned, through reading a Vanity Fair article and through talking to some douchey boys, that a lot of guys just swipe right to everyone and then filter through their matches instead of actually taking the time to swipe based on profile. I doubt that girls operate in this way, because, as far as I can tell, most guys absolutely, positively suck at tinder.

These tips apply to everyone, but guys, I’m mostly looking at you.

Don’t have your main picture with a bunch of other people

Right off the bat we want to know which one you are, and if you’re hiding amongst a “where’s-waldo-esque” crowd, 9/10 times I’ll swipe left.

Don’t have all of your pictures with one of your friends (especially if they look EXACTLY LIKE YOU)

Unless you explicitly state that you two are swiping together and you want to engage in a threesome or some sort of polygamous relationship – just don’t. It confuses your potential matches, and will likely deter them

Don’t use a snapchat photo in your pics

Emojis and geotags are cool and all, but it sends the message that you don’t have enough of a social life to have real pictures

Don’t use a bunch of pictures where we can’t see your face

watersports are dope, sunsets are lovely, I get it. I’m in this for your face / bod (I’m shallow, sue me) not your shredding / love of landscapes

Please, please, please don’t post shirtless pics where I can’t see your face

A shirtless pic is welcome, I’d love to see what you’re working with, but if you don’t show your face in the picture, I think you’re creepy.

NO MIRROR SELFIES

I refuse to explain this any further.

Don’t have less than 5 pictures

I understand that 6 is a tall order, especially for boys, who for whatever reason are generally photographed less often than their female counterparts, but if you have less than 5, I’ll automatically assume that you’re either a catfish or you’re deeply insecure and thus not someone I want to match with

Tinder Plus = “Swiping in ______”

Don’t buy tinder plus. Do less.

Now that I’ve given you some pointers for your picture choices, on to the bio:

Keep it short and sweet, please don’t tell me your life story, or that you’re not looking for a hookup, keep the mystery alive – at least until we match

Please, for the love of god, don’t write “eat clean, train dirty,” or “slayer of negativity.” Ain’t nobody got time for that. I have to believe there are some people out in this crazy world who get turned on by that, but it makes me want to match with you just so I can tell you how much you fucking suck.

Last but not least, please don’t talk about how good you are at making breakfast, or how you’ll rock my world.

Why You Should Never Buy a Girl a Drink

“Hey, can I buy you a drink?”

99% of men lead with this as their go-to pick up line. Unless you’re T-Pain or trying to be ironic, or both at the same time, it shows you have nothing else to offer her other than a feeble attempt at a conversation. She just won, not you.

I’m not saying don’t buy her a drink at all, but she needs to deserve that free drink. That drink costs an hour’s worth of latte art, make it count.

Chances are the girl already has a drink, in that case, don’t ask to buy her another drink. If she doesn’t have one and you want to talk to her, resist the urge. Chat her up; see if you have a shot before you bust out the plastic.

I’m not saying don’t buy her a drink at all, but she needs to deserve that free drink.

Think of talking to girls at a bar like you’re talking to them in line at the post office or a restaurant (I know it sounds weird but it’s a mindset; change the way you think and you can change the way you act). Keep it simple, unthreatening and like you’re actually interested in what she has to say.

“I see you’re here with a bunch of your girlfriends, what are you celebrating?”

“Oh, we’re not.”

“Oh no? it looks like it, you’re all dressed up looking good tonight, thought there was an occasion.”

If all she’s looking for is a drink, you’ll know in a minute if she starts to slip away into the bar crowd. In that case, she’s not worth it. Keep moving and stick to your guns.

Sometimes girls will actually ask you, “So are you going to buy me a drink?”

And just like I taught you, “Why? Do you think you deserve one? Tell me why I should buy you a drink, sell me on it.”

Of course deliver this with a touch of sarcasm and charm but girls love that stuff. They like to be played with, but don’t be a dick. If you can show some confidence, and a twinge of cockiness, you might be looking at a real conversation…and maybe some chicken and sex.

Some girl in there definitely deserves a drink from you. Be the 1% and go find her.