Your Guide to a Politically Correct Holiday Season

For many, the holiday season is a time of festivity and cheer. A time for family gatherings and gift-giving. Well enough is enough. It’s time for those people to check their fucking privilege. “But how??” You are probably asking. “How can I ruin this for others while still feeling like I have the moral high ground?” It’s quite simple, really. Just follow this guide and you too can learn how to bully people in the name of justice this holiday season.

Most people already know that Christmas was established to exclude and alienate others. This is why obviously it’s so important to make sure people call Christmas trees “holiday trees”. But there is more work to be done. Christmas is filled with problematic words and images, and I’m here to make sure you know how to correct the insensitive people who use them.


Like these assholes

The key to being PC is to try really hard to find problems whether or not they even exist.

The other key is outrage. It doesn’t matter what you’re outraged about, but for the sake of this guide I’ll help you focus that outrage somewhere concrete.

Those privileged dicks who put up decorations often include images of Santa’s elves. Well did they teach their kids to stop and question what elf wages were? Did they ever even wonder, “I hope those elves are unionized so they can use collective bargaining to improve their occupational conditions”? It is our duty to inform them that they were too wrapped up in their capitalist consumer mindset to think about the elven plight. It doesn’t end there, though. These same people tell their children to put out cookies for Santa, but don’t even modify their homes to be Santa-accessible. How is a full figured/curvy Santa supposed to fit down their regulation chimneys? These thin-privileged scumbags probably haven’t even installed widened chimney openings or reinforced roofing.

chimney_capsWhat the fuck is this, Gary?

After educating the ignorant about their hurtful holiday beliefs, it is necessary to present them with a list of approved holiday terms that don’t exclude others. Please cut out the following list (with safety scissors) and pass out copies at your nearest college campus.

Christmas presents shall be called “privilege items”

Mistletoe shall be called “sexual assault plants”

Menorahs shall be called “holiday candles”

Dreidels shall be called “winter spin toys”

Traditional Kwanzaa attire shall be called “holiday uniforms”

Rudolph shall no longer be shamed for his affliction. His new name shall be “Rudolph the Nasally Challenged Winter Creature”.

Thank you for your interest in participating in a PC holiday season and making everyone EQUALLY as miserable as you are. If something isn’t covered here, have no fear! Just remember the key tenants of being PC in 2015:

1) If you don’t like something, then no one deserves to like it. Get it banned!

2) Discussion and compromise is the enemy of PC warriors. Plus, if you just scream louder than everyone else, people will have to obey your demands!

3) Are folks having fun somewhere? That’s a red flag and you need to fix their bullshit.

4) You are perfect and special, so why would you ever consider someone else’s differing opinion? Try screaming at them instead.

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