Just the tips | Dating with Bumble

Thank God!  Bumble is here to save lonely guys from online rejection.  No more wasting time thinking of the best pickup line just like guys have been doing in bars/parties/the grocery store since puberty.  The girls have to talk to you first! Oh how the dating tables have turned.dating animated GIF

In order to help lonely guys everywhere, here are some areas to focus on to maximize your Bumble experience.

The Profile Picturepitch perfect animated GIF

Bumble is 95% pictures and 5% everything else. You NEED a good profile picture, and I’m not talking about a picture with you and your bros bro-ing out at a BroBQ.  The speed of the app caters to headshot style pictures.  She isn’t going to spend time looking at your bio like Tinder. 

A simple picture of your face will most likely be your only chance…so hope you’re good looking!  Just kidding…kind of.  Case and point, my roommate (good looking dude) has a headshot of him and his friend, Kelly (the most attractive man I have ever laid eyes on), as his profile picture.

He gets probably 30 matches a day.  Now no offence to Harry here, but I’m betting that none of these girls took the time to figure out which of the guys in the picture was him.  But they always message him. Always.  So props!

The Initial “Hey”

online animated GIF

HAH! Jokes on you, entire male population.  As much as Bumble planned on turning the online dating game on its head, most girls are still uncomfortable/apathetic about crafting perfect pick up lines to woo us stallions.  90% of the time, the most you are going to get is a “Hey” (or if you are really lucky “Heyyyy”). 

Accept it.  Own it.  Or don’t? The girl of your dreams would probably make a clever remark about one of your adorable pictures right? I don’t know man, the jury’s still out for that one.  Just realize you are essentially at the same place as Tinder or Hinge in terms of wooing your match. App based dating is still a new concept and the rules are still being written. One thing is for sure, however, people already know what they don’t like when it comes to dating.

The Responsedating animated GIF

This is what it all comes down to.  She gave you a “hey” with a few extra “y”s at the end, so you already know she is down for Taco Tuesday. There is a lot of pressure in responses on online dating, but with Bumble remember one thing: She hit you up first, man.  She totally digs you!

Well maybe she thought you were actually the other guy in your profile picture, but still.  Even though you have to come up with the conversation topic or a funny line, she at least took the time to acknowledge you right?  And honestly, that feels pretty good.  Maybe Bumble actually has figured it all out…

How to Have Sex But Not Get Fucked

Let’s go over all the actual important lessons that you missed in high school health class.

gif Mean Girls coach carr you will get pregnant and die

55th exit you’re already home, you’re ready to bone, etc.

Congratulations on hooking up with your consensual partner(s) and making it to the homestretch. You’ve made it through the DFMO 1, the OTPHJ 2 and now it’s time to GTFO 3 and rip each other’s clothes off. Whether this is a one-night-stand or someone you’re seeing consistently, you should have a quick convo: how much have you talked about sex?  How many sexual partners have you had?  How many sexual partners has your partner had?  When was the last time you were tested for STIs 4?  Do you/your partner have a condom? Are you/your partner on birth control?

No matter how short/long/embarrassing the list of your partners may be, you are now exposing you and your partner to every person either of you have ever had sex 5 with.  Read: 100s of strains of sexually transmitted diseases  and the risk of unplanned pregnancy. Ready to get your freak on? Great! Ever been tested for gonorrhea, genital herpes, or HIV? Didn’t think so. Here’s how to have sex but not get fucked.

B is for Barrier

Barrier methods create a physical barrier between your genitalia and your partner(s):

Barrier methods can help prevent the spread of STIs and significantly decrease your likelihood for unplanned pregnancy.  These can be found in your local grocery/drugstore, picked up for free at local clinics. Check out this website that even tells you where to find free condoms in your are!  

Safe sex is great sex, you better wear a latex, cuz you don’t want that late text, that I think I’m late (or have a rash “down there”) text.  Stock up, my friends.

B is also for birth control

These are different methods that are focused on preventing unplanned pregnancies.  NONE of these protect against STIs:

Use BOTH

Use a barrier method to prevent against the spread of STIs and a birth control method to prevent against unplanned pregnancy.

juno ellen page michael cera tic tac

Get tested

 Sex should be amazing and sex should be safe: keep you and your partner in the know by getting tested early and getting tested often.  Blood tests or urine tests will tell you pretty much everything you need to know about your current STI-uation. Check out this website for the quick & dirty on testing for those who do the nasty. 

Get tested after every new sexual partner

These tests are cheap, can be done at free clinics or at your doctor’s office, and will save you from a world of hurt in the long term.  Alright, rabbits/humans, enjoy yourselves. Be safe.

What are your thoughts on sexual health? What lessons did your teachers/ parents never tell you?

happy sex bridesmaids cum jon hamm

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  1. dance floor make out

  2. over-the-pants handjob

  3. get the fu*k out

  4. sexually transmitted diseases

  5. oral sex, anal sex, genital-to-genital contact, or vaginal sex

Keeping it in Your Pants: How Not to Blow it too Quickly

There’s nothing that kills a mood, a night, an ego, and a reputation more than when you blow your load too quickly.

Men want nothing more than to perform exceedingly well for their partner because 1) the girl is happy and is more likely to want to sleep with you again, 2) she’s more likely to tell her friends and in turn boost your reputation, and 3) you get a lot of satisfaction from doing something well.

But sometimes the sex isn’t HD Brazzers.  Either from excitement, inexperience, or hiatus it’s too easy to lose our sh*t. It sucks and it’s embarrassing but it happens to the best of us.

So after much research and experimentation, the cadre of men here at The Daily Twenties have found some solutions. Some you may know others you may not, but I assure you, you’ll be amused. 

First and foremost: sex is 90% mental 10% physical. It might be counterintuitive but for men who have this problem, you need to get your head out of the bedroom, far from it. And let your primal physical instincts do the doing.

Start before you go out

When you’re in the shower and getting ready to go out, give it a tug. Don’t go out fully cocked and loaded. Curb the excitement so sex isn’t the only thing on your mind the entire night. Just make sure you dispose of it and its not in your ear. We learn from the best (see below)

Drink

But in moderation. If you’re too drunk, it won’t work. Get enough in you to loosen yourself up and take your mind off it.

Okay, you’ve successfully made it into the bedroom but the hardest part isn’t over (pun intended). 

Now for some mental discipline. You need to alter your mindset for the next 30-45 minutes.

Sports

What sport are you good at? Now close your eyes and imagine yourself on the field or the court. Put the ball in your hand and start shooting baskets, or dribbling the puck, or running for the goal. You are not getting your brains fu*ked out, you are Lebron euro stepping passed Kobe. Play the game baby and it’ll be over before you know it.

Teachers

I had a teacher in high school that I absolutely detested. She was fat, mean, obnoxious and abrasive. She was the worst and I wouldn’t dare dream to have sex with her in real life. Your mental block, however, can allow this. I know, it’s totally fu*ked up but if you imagine doing it with a gross teacher you hated, I guarantee you will be able to last as long as you want.

Family relatives

K…I’m done.

 

You get the point. Get your mind out of the bedroom and into the gutter.

Anybody else have some tips?

 

How Not to Tinder

Making a dating profile is a lot like a first date. You want to showcase your best, most adventurous, funniest, most charming self as quickly and directly as possible.

As someone who is a self-proclaimed tinder addict, I have, for lack of a better word, harassed several of my recently single / permanently single friends to get on tinder and “get on out there.” My sales pitch normally goes something like “you don’t have to meet anyone, you don’t even have to talk to anyone, just swipe, it’s fun and a good self-esteem booster.” I recently learned, through reading a Vanity Fair article and through talking to some douchey boys, that a lot of guys just swipe right to everyone and then filter through their matches instead of actually taking the time to swipe based on profile. I doubt that girls operate in this way, because, as far as I can tell, most guys absolutely, positively suck at tinder.

These tips apply to everyone, but guys, I’m mostly looking at you.

Don’t have your main picture with a bunch of other people

Right off the bat we want to know which one you are, and if you’re hiding amongst a “where’s-waldo-esque” crowd, 9/10 times I’ll swipe left.

Don’t have all of your pictures with one of your friends (especially if they look EXACTLY LIKE YOU)

Unless you explicitly state that you two are swiping together and you want to engage in a threesome or some sort of polygamous relationship – just don’t. It confuses your potential matches, and will likely deter them

Don’t use a snapchat photo in your pics

Emojis and geotags are cool and all, but it sends the message that you don’t have enough of a social life to have real pictures

Don’t use a bunch of pictures where we can’t see your face

watersports are dope, sunsets are lovely, I get it. I’m in this for your face / bod (I’m shallow, sue me) not your shredding / love of landscapes

Please, please, please don’t post shirtless pics where I can’t see your face

A shirtless pic is welcome, I’d love to see what you’re working with, but if you don’t show your face in the picture, I think you’re creepy.

NO MIRROR SELFIES

I refuse to explain this any further.

Don’t have less than 5 pictures

I understand that 6 is a tall order, especially for boys, who for whatever reason are generally photographed less often than their female counterparts, but if you have less than 5, I’ll automatically assume that you’re either a catfish or you’re deeply insecure and thus not someone I want to match with

Tinder Plus = “Swiping in ______”

Don’t buy tinder plus. Do less.

Now that I’ve given you some pointers for your picture choices, on to the bio:

Keep it short and sweet, please don’t tell me your life story, or that you’re not looking for a hookup, keep the mystery alive – at least until we match

Please, for the love of god, don’t write “eat clean, train dirty,” or “slayer of negativity.” Ain’t nobody got time for that. I have to believe there are some people out in this crazy world who get turned on by that, but it makes me want to match with you just so I can tell you how much you fucking suck.

Last but not least, please don’t talk about how good you are at making breakfast, or how you’ll rock my world.