How Not to Tinder

Making a dating profile is a lot like a first date. You want to showcase your best, most adventurous, funniest, most charming self as quickly and directly as possible.

As someone who is a self-proclaimed tinder addict, I have, for lack of a better word, harassed several of my recently single / permanently single friends to get on tinder and “get on out there.” My sales pitch normally goes something like “you don’t have to meet anyone, you don’t even have to talk to anyone, just swipe, it’s fun and a good self-esteem booster.” I recently learned, through reading a Vanity Fair article and through talking to some douchey boys, that a lot of guys just swipe right to everyone and then filter through their matches instead of actually taking the time to swipe based on profile. I doubt that girls operate in this way, because, as far as I can tell, most guys absolutely, positively suck at tinder.

These tips apply to everyone, but guys, I’m mostly looking at you.

Don’t have your main picture with a bunch of other people

Right off the bat we want to know which one you are, and if you’re hiding amongst a “where’s-waldo-esque” crowd, 9/10 times I’ll swipe left.

Don’t have all of your pictures with one of your friends (especially if they look EXACTLY LIKE YOU)

Unless you explicitly state that you two are swiping together and you want to engage in a threesome or some sort of polygamous relationship – just don’t. It confuses your potential matches, and will likely deter them

Don’t use a snapchat photo in your pics

Emojis and geotags are cool and all, but it sends the message that you don’t have enough of a social life to have real pictures

Don’t use a bunch of pictures where we can’t see your face

watersports are dope, sunsets are lovely, I get it. I’m in this for your face / bod (I’m shallow, sue me) not your shredding / love of landscapes

Please, please, please don’t post shirtless pics where I can’t see your face

A shirtless pic is welcome, I’d love to see what you’re working with, but if you don’t show your face in the picture, I think you’re creepy.


I refuse to explain this any further.

Don’t have less than 5 pictures

I understand that 6 is a tall order, especially for boys, who for whatever reason are generally photographed less often than their female counterparts, but if you have less than 5, I’ll automatically assume that you’re either a catfish or you’re deeply insecure and thus not someone I want to match with

Tinder Plus = “Swiping in ______”

Don’t buy tinder plus. Do less.

Now that I’ve given you some pointers for your picture choices, on to the bio:

Keep it short and sweet, please don’t tell me your life story, or that you’re not looking for a hookup, keep the mystery alive – at least until we match

Please, for the love of god, don’t write “eat clean, train dirty,” or “slayer of negativity.” Ain’t nobody got time for that. I have to believe there are some people out in this crazy world who get turned on by that, but it makes me want to match with you just so I can tell you how much you fucking suck.

Last but not least, please don’t talk about how good you are at making breakfast, or how you’ll rock my world.