4 Insane Politicians Who Would Be Better Presidents Than Donald Trump

I don’t think I’m going out on a limb when I say that Donald Trump has said some wacky shit.  But too often it seems that his statements are designed to stir up controversy rather than coming from a place of pure, unbridled insanity.  If my President is going to make ridiculous statements, I want him or her to have the crazy to back it up.  So if the rest of the world is going to mock us, then let’s give them a really good reason for it.

4) State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt (R-Colorado)

Who is he?

Strangely, the fact that his last name sounds like a Nazi torture device is the least insane thing about him.  He goes by “Dr. Chaps”, which is a name you’d expect to see spray painted on a van advertising free child prostate exams.  The Klingster claims he performed a gay exorcism on a female sailor when he was a Navy chaplain to rid her of those pesky lesbo demons.  I know what you’re thinking: “Well that’s all well and good, but can he perform a long distance exorcism on Obama to banish the forces of evil residing inside his possessed husk?” And the answer to that is a resounding fucking yeah he can.

Why we should vote for him:

For too long we have sat idly by while Sabnock the Tempter has claimed the souls of our Representatives and Malaphar the Forsaken has run rampant in Doug the Intern.  Trump has been shockingly silent on this issue.  We need someone to stand up to the fabulous forces of darkness as they claim our little gay kids.  Perhaps the most unfair circumstance in our recent history is that we never got to witness President Dr. Chaps expel the Dark Lord Liberace from Barney Frank on the House floor.

3) Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas)

Who is she?

Sheila Jackson Lee thinks the US Constitution is 400 years old and is ready to show her support to Obama by lighting herself on fire.  “We will circle the President on fire. We will be on fire for rightness and justice,” she promised, which means she was Feeling the Burn way before 20 year old college students ever found out about Sanders.  She’s also a five time recipient of the prestigious “Meanest Congress Member” title given by the Washingtonian, which polls staffers to vote for their most hated Congressional bosses.  It might have something to do with her response to a staffer she had working 18 hour days despite her having developed a serious eye condition, saying I don’t care anything about your disability”.  But hey, at least she’s honest.

Why we should vote for her:

If there’s even a 1% chance that President Lee takes the podium, shrieks at Congress, and ends her speech by setting herself on fire during a State of the Union, then you can bet your ass I’m trying to see that.

2) Vermin Supreme (D-The Parking Lot Behind Wendy’s)

Who is he?

Vermin Supreme is the founder of the Free Pony Party and there’s a zero percent chance he doesn’t smell like alley-piss and homeless blankets.  First coming into prominence during the 2012 presidential campaign, Vermin promises a free pony for every citizen and will pass a law requiring Americans to brush their teeth.  He also vows to fund time travel research, which is arguably more feasible than Trump’s “No Muslims Allowed” plan.  Vermin wears a boot as a hat that, while ridiculous, is still more presentable than whatever has taken residence on Trump’s head.  For the 2016 elections he will be running as a Democrat, so sorry twenty-somethings, but you’re going to have to consider someone other than Bernie. It’s time to feel the Verm.

Why we should vote for him:

Imagine a future with President Supreme.  You wake up, brush your teeth (as required by law), and mount your pony steed to travel 4 hours to your job at the boot-hat factory.  It sounds pretty miserable until you remember fuck that, I’ll just use the government time machine to check out a Roman gladiator match.  The best way to make a factory job more tolerable is working with the blood of a Gallic warrior fresh on your boots.  I think Gandhi said that.

1) Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Georgia)

Who is he?

Hank Johnson told a Navy admiral during an Armed Services Committee that he was afraid the addition of troops to Guam would cause the island to “tip over and capsize”.  I don’t even have a joke for that.  It’s expert-level stupidity that the comedic part of my brain could never have prepared for.  This man studied his way through college, clawed his way up through the rigors of politics, got elected to Congress, and then used his power as a Representative to ask the most pants-on-head retarded question I’ve ever heard an adult utter. To a Navy admiral.  Imagine if you had worked your ass off in your field for decades, finally rose to the top to become CEO of the company, and when you got the chance to be called to the White House you used that opportunity to ask Michelle which hole girls pee out of.

Why we should vote for him:

This man too stupid to be malicious.  He has that childlike curiosity that Trump found within himself and killed before his 8th birthday.  Johnson’s concerned about the impending Guamanian disaster not because his golf course/casino/human hunting enclosure might be lost, but because what did that poor island ever do to you, Navy?

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Your Guide to a Politically Correct Holiday Season

For many, the holiday season is a time of festivity and cheer. A time for family gatherings and gift-giving. Well enough is enough. It’s time for those people to check their fucking privilege. “But how??” You are probably asking. “How can I ruin this for others while still feeling like I have the moral high ground?” It’s quite simple, really. Just follow this guide and you too can learn how to bully people in the name of justice this holiday season.

Most people already know that Christmas was established to exclude and alienate others. This is why obviously it’s so important to make sure people call Christmas trees “holiday trees”. But there is more work to be done. Christmas is filled with problematic words and images, and I’m here to make sure you know how to correct the insensitive people who use them.


Like these assholes

The key to being PC is to try really hard to find problems whether or not they even exist.

The other key is outrage. It doesn’t matter what you’re outraged about, but for the sake of this guide I’ll help you focus that outrage somewhere concrete.

Those privileged dicks who put up decorations often include images of Santa’s elves. Well did they teach their kids to stop and question what elf wages were? Did they ever even wonder, “I hope those elves are unionized so they can use collective bargaining to improve their occupational conditions”? It is our duty to inform them that they were too wrapped up in their capitalist consumer mindset to think about the elven plight. It doesn’t end there, though. These same people tell their children to put out cookies for Santa, but don’t even modify their homes to be Santa-accessible. How is a full figured/curvy Santa supposed to fit down their regulation chimneys? These thin-privileged scumbags probably haven’t even installed widened chimney openings or reinforced roofing.

chimney_capsWhat the fuck is this, Gary?

After educating the ignorant about their hurtful holiday beliefs, it is necessary to present them with a list of approved holiday terms that don’t exclude others. Please cut out the following list (with safety scissors) and pass out copies at your nearest college campus.

Christmas presents shall be called “privilege items”

Mistletoe shall be called “sexual assault plants”

Menorahs shall be called “holiday candles”

Dreidels shall be called “winter spin toys”

Traditional Kwanzaa attire shall be called “holiday uniforms”

Rudolph shall no longer be shamed for his affliction. His new name shall be “Rudolph the Nasally Challenged Winter Creature”.

Thank you for your interest in participating in a PC holiday season and making everyone EQUALLY as miserable as you are. If something isn’t covered here, have no fear! Just remember the key tenants of being PC in 2015:

1) If you don’t like something, then no one deserves to like it. Get it banned!

2) Discussion and compromise is the enemy of PC warriors. Plus, if you just scream louder than everyone else, people will have to obey your demands!

3) Are folks having fun somewhere? That’s a red flag and you need to fix their bullshit.

4) You are perfect and special, so why would you ever consider someone else’s differing opinion? Try screaming at them instead.

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Interview with a Catcaller: America’s Most Misunderstood Man

As The Daily Twenties’ fourth most trusted investigative journalist, it is my job to occasionally infiltrate some of America’s seediest undergrounds. I was intrigued by the viral video “10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman” in which a woman endured countless disrespectful catcalls while walking on the sidewalk, and I was determined to get to the bottom of this phenomenon. It was time to go undercover. “It’s a risky operation,” I informed the editor of The Daily Twenties, “if my cover is blown, I could face a barrage of insults.”

“Uh, yeah man. Go for it I guess,” he said, clearly concerned for my wellbeing.

“Please don’t beg for me to stay. It’s just something I have to do.” I hung up before he could try to convince me to abandon my plans.

I traveled to New York City, the hotbed of catcalling as depicted in the video, uncertain of what I would find. I was on the corner of Madison Avenue and E 106th Street for three minutes before I heard what I had come for: “DAMN GIRL, YOU SHIT WITH THAT ASS?!” I couldn’t be sure, but I had a feeling I had just witnessed a catcalling. I approached the gentleman to inquire what he hoped to accomplish with his yelling.

“You really want to know?” His voice became hushed and he leaned in with an air of secrecy. “I don’t do this for my benefit. My actions are purely for their wellbeing.”

“Wait. What?”

The man, Marcus Johnson, continued. “Today’s society is complex. It has changed in the last few decades. Magazines and reality shows bombard women with unreachable physical beauty standards that most cannot hope to attain.”

He must have sensed my incredulity when I asked what the fuck he was talking about.

“It is our duty–the catcallers of the nation–to inform women that despite what Cosmopolitan tells them, we do, in fact, appreciate that ass” he said while biting his bottom lip and staring at a passing woman.

“Well why don’t you just initiate a polite conversation with a woman you’re interested in? Why the inappropriate yelling instead of just walking up and talking with her?”

“It’s not the 50’s any more. Today’s woman has places to be. Jobs to go to, meetings to attend, Tinder dates to be disappointed by. They simply don’t have the time to be stopped on the street and–sorry, pardon me for a second,” he said, gazing past me to an attractive young woman walking by in business attire, “EY GIRL NICE HIPS WANNA SIT ON THIS DICK?!” She shot him a disgusted look and quickened her pace. Marcus sighed. “If she wasn’t in such a hurry I could’ve complimented her enchanting eyes.”

“So you’re saying that every man who catcalls is in on this?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“Yes. Our society goes deeper than you can imagine. Why else do you think we would do this? Do you really think we expect a woman to approach us simply because we shouted innuendos at them?”

“I… I don’t know. I guess I just assumed you were all being dumb assholes.”

“Oh, my sweet naive child,” he smiled warmly. “We are persecuted but will continue fighting the good fight. Because we are the heroes America deserves, but not the ones it needs right now. So they’ll hunt us, because we can take it.”

“…did you just quote the Dark Knight?”


He hesitated before running off and disappearing into the crowd. In the distance a faint “LET ME GET THEM DIGITS GIIIIIRL” could be heard before being swallowed by the noise of passing cars and honked horns.

God speed, Marcus. A silent guardian. A watchful protector. Still kind of a dick.

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Unvaccinated Child Dies from Polio, Mom: “At Least He Wasn’t Autistic”

Santa Cruz, California: A local 9 year old boy who passed away from polio will be missed, says mother Anita Busey. “We are all devastated by his death, but are comforted in the knowledge that his social skills were pretty good for his age.” As the number of parents who are choosing not to vaccinate their children rises (the rate of parents in California forgoing vaccination has doubled in the last seven year) outbreaks of preventable diseases including measles, whooping cough, and mumps have skyrocketed. Despite the overwhelming evidence and unanimous agreement among the scientific community that vaccines do not cause autism, some influential celebrities such as Jenny McCarthy have been incredibly vocal about the supposed link.

jenny-mccarthyPictured: Not a Scientist

To mothers like Anita Busey, the opinions of McCarthy are all they need to know. “I mean, who are you going to listen to? Thousands of doctors and scientists who have spent their lives studying diseases, or a Razzie Award winner of ‘Worst Actress’ and panelist on The View,” she remarked as her son’s casket was lowered into the ground.

Other parents helped to shed insight on why some wealthy Los Angeles communities have lower vaccination rates than many third world countries such as Liberia. “My daughter’s body is a temple, and I’m not going to let some know-it-all doctor put his science needle in her arm and misalign her chakras,” said Venice Beach local Melody Fairchild. She ended the interview to buy acid from a bystander and climbed into her Prius before we were able to get her closing statement.

tumblr_loycklz6x81qgn65ao1_500Ms. Fairchild’s business associate

But what if people like Anita Busey and Melody Fairchild were right? What if the medical community was wrong, and there was a small chance that vaccinating children could result in autism? We asked Desmond Jeffries of Brooklyn, NY.

“Yes, some people say that 25% of measles victims require hospitalization, and that mumps can be fatal or whatever. But autistic kids have trouble making eye contact, and I’ll be damned if I let that bullshit into my house.”

As Anita Busey was leaving her son’s funeral, we asked what she hoped his legacy would be. “I just want people to remember him for his best qualities– like how he was able to focus well on his coloring books and that his vocabulary was adequate for his age group.”

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The Danger of “Safe Spaces”

“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

What do you do when someone disagrees with you? If you’re a functioning, adjusted adult you might counter with some reasons to support your position. Maybe you’ll ask to hear out their reasoning before arguing your point. But if you are like a growing number of college students and you encounter a professor or lecturer who says something you don’t like, you will retreat to a “safe space” with “cookies, coloring books, bubbles, and Play-Doh” where people are not allowed to disagree with you.

I wish I was making this up. The “safe space” containing the coloring books and children’s toys comes from Brown University, where many of America’s best and brightest graduating high school students go to learn, who recently hosted two feminist speakers to participate in a debate. One of the speakers, Wendy McElroy, believed that the term “rape culture” deserved criticism. In her writings, McElroy says of the term: “The idea that America is a rape culture is a particularly vicious lie, because it brands all men as rapists or rape facilitators. This lie has been successful despite reality. The actual rate of rape is declining. The crime is severely punished, and even an accusation can ruin lives; men who rape are reviled; the social messages on rape delivered regularly to young men are the opposite of encouragement.”

This message didn’t line up with the opinions of a number of Brown students, and there was enough outcry (before McElroy even arrived on campus) that students put together a safe space where students there like Emma Hall could retreat to when they “[felt] bombarded by a lot of viewpoints that really go against [their] dearly and closely held beliefs.” Because as everyone knows, college is a place where different perspectives should be ignored to prevent you from reevaluating your stances or growing as an individual.

So what is the harm of these safe spaces? Why should we criticize a place that’s meant to comfort students? Why are you being such a dick, Brenden? I’m glad you asked. Ironically, in the long run these safe spaces hurt the very people they are meant to protect. Invariably, these graduating students will be entering a workplace with a boss and coworkers who don’t consider them flawless special snowflakes.


Try to contain your gasps…

At some point they will have to deal with someone who doesn’t share their views or a boss who criticizes their work. Fortunately, most people have learned by then how to cope with opposition and are fairly experienced in compromising or engaging with dissent through dialogue. These well-adjusted adults get to this point because personal growth and maturity can only take place when personal beliefs are challenged and differing opinions are considered.

The majority of twenty-somethings have some different values and opinions than they did when they were 13 or 14. As we grow up we encounter new ideas, gain more knowledge, and adjust our beliefs and moral compass. If you asked a 13 year old the best way to handle many of life’s problems, most of the answers would involve lasers and spin-kicks. As I’ve grown older (and admittedly less rad) I’ve changed my opinions on a number of topics because I didn’t shut down every time someone offered an alternate view on a topic, and I’d like to think I’m better for it.

Safe spaces, however, are the enemy of learning and discovery. They are an obstacle to growth and contradict the very purpose of the college experience. When we encourage people to run from opinions if they “go against dearly and closely held beliefs”, we foster the perpetuation of undeveloped and juvenile mindsets.

“It is the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it.” -Aristotle

Instead of facilitating a means to escape every time someone says “actually, we don’t live in a culture where rape is considered acceptable,” colleges should be encouraging students to engage in dialogue when they disagree. There are several productive outcomes that can result when an adult is willing to discuss rather than flee. Further conversation often leads to improved understanding, and even when that doesn’t work, the act of defending and verbalizing one’s position will lead to a deeper grasp of one’s own beliefs. As they say, the best way to learn is to teach.

For those of you finished with higher education, I’m sorry to say that you will most likely still be affected by the childish “safe space” mindset, especially as the safe space mentality becomes more prevalent. Perhaps you’ve already seen it. A recent college grad starts working at your job and next thing you know you’re talking to HR because they received a complaint that you didn’t use gender-neutral language when you said the word “waitress”, even though that’s literally what she goddamn called herself, Janet. And then you’re being lectured about how your language was hurtful by a bored HR rep just going through the motions so the company doesn’t get sued, when this time would have never been wasted if someone—let’s call her Janet—had just spoken to you directly. Fucking Janet.

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Kim Davis Has Declared War on Red Lobster

Rowan County, Kentucky: Kim Davis, a local Christian woman, has gained notoriety for her enthusiastic support of the Bible passage that forbids eating shellfish and assaulting people trying to enter the town’s Red Lobster. She states that because the Bible declares that consuming shellfish is an “abomination”, it is her duty to prevent others from entering the restaurant and damning themselves to eternal hellfire. She said she will use any means necessary to achieve this goal.

“It is not a light issue for me. It’s a Heaven or Hell decision,” she said to local reporters, while executing a flawless armbar on an elderly man.

“God grows angrier with every order of oyster shooters, or lobster tails with sides of butter, or baskets of cajun seasoned crawfish…” her voice trailed off and her eyes appeared to glaze over. “Ma’am? You alright?” a bystander asked in concerned voice. “Oh, yeah, I was just thinking about… all the sinnin’… going on in there,” her eyes drifted to the restaurant. With a half-hearted sigh she landed a left hook into the man’s solar plexus.

When asked by a reporter what her response would be if, for instance, a Muslim waiter refused to serve her ham based on his religious beliefs, Davis responded, “Well that whole premise is stupid, I wouldn’t let no Muslim be my waiter.” She punctuated her statement by scissor kicking a passing couple.

Mike Huckabee (R, AR) flew in to show support for her brave resilience.

“You know, it takes courage to stand against the Lobster Agenda that’s trying to destroy the sanctity of our dinner. Nowadays, folks are saying stuff like ‘but I don’t believe in that part of the Bible’ and ‘I can’t help it that I like crab legs’ and ‘mind your own fucking business you twat’. But by standing up for what she believes in, she is bravely making other people submit to what she believes in. And isn’t that what living in a free country is all about?”

The thunderous applause was interrupted only by the whimpering of a child who thought he could sneak into the restaurant past the vigilant defender. But he was wrong. Punched wrong.