Have you ever been hungover at a weekend brunch sweating out alcohol from the night before when idle conversation at the table next to yours cuts through the haze and you find yourself suddenly and inexplicably filled with disgust for total strangers?

It’s just that when you’ve made the hideous mistake of sitting down next to a table of four very chatty couples and you generally don’t have the easiest time thinking over ambient noise, you best have your wits about you. Otherwise, it’s easy to get sucked into couple A’s dilemma about letting their parents pay their rent for them and couple B’s cat’s digestive problems. Anyways, that’s not really what this article is about.

This article is for all the people in relationships who don’t want to rely on “babe” and “sweetie” to express their affection for their significant other — who want something just ever so slightly more tailored to the unique qualities of the person they love (or like, matched with on Tinder or whatever). Because let me tell you, there’s nothing more irritating or confusing then (mostly) involuntarily eavesdropping on eight people who keep using the word “babe” when you can’t turn around to see who each person is referring to. Here are some suggestions based on your partner’s personality.

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Croissant!

Look at these two adorable croissants spooning. Much like these croissants, your beau is warm, comforting, and a little flaky.

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Kale

Annoyingly trendy but ultimately very good for you.

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Weed

Some of the best nights of your life have been spent eating midnight Micky D’s with this person, although it’s hard to remember exactly what anyone said. Not so long ago there’s no way you would have been able to bring this person home to meet your parents, but times have changed, and now the appeal of your only slightly stinky SO is universal.  

xanax

Xanax

Being with this person is relaxing. Whatever the stressor, this person knows all the right words to say to calm you down. Maybe you’re a high-strung Type A personality who instinctively and compulsively plans ahead. Your lil’ Xanax’s extreme chill factor reminds you that there are few things a good nap can’t cure.

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Parking meter

You paid your dues and now you’re celebrating the minutes as they go by — you’d been circling for what felt like years and grabbing this spot was no easy feat.

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Brisket

Started out tough but you patiently nurtured this person and your relationship — and now your hunk of meat is pliable and smells great.

 

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