I don’t think I’m going out on a limb when I say that Donald Trump has said some wacky shit.  But too often it seems that his statements are designed to stir up controversy rather than coming from a place of pure, unbridled insanity.  If my President is going to make ridiculous statements, I want him or her to have the crazy to back it up.  So if the rest of the world is going to mock us, then let’s give them a really good reason for it.

4) State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt (R-Colorado)

Who is he?

Strangely, the fact that his last name sounds like a Nazi torture device is the least insane thing about him.  He goes by “Dr. Chaps”, which is a name you’d expect to see spray painted on a van advertising free child prostate exams.  The Klingster claims he performed a gay exorcism on a female sailor when he was a Navy chaplain to rid her of those pesky lesbo demons.  I know what you’re thinking: “Well that’s all well and good, but can he perform a long distance exorcism on Obama to banish the forces of evil residing inside his possessed husk?” And the answer to that is a resounding fucking yeah he can.

Why we should vote for him:

For too long we have sat idly by while Sabnock the Tempter has claimed the souls of our Representatives and Malaphar the Forsaken has run rampant in Doug the Intern.  Trump has been shockingly silent on this issue.  We need someone to stand up to the fabulous forces of darkness as they claim our little gay kids.  Perhaps the most unfair circumstance in our recent history is that we never got to witness President Dr. Chaps expel the Dark Lord Liberace from Barney Frank on the House floor.


3) Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas)

Who is she?

Sheila Jackson Lee thinks the US Constitution is 400 years old and is ready to show her support to Obama by lighting herself on fire.  “We will circle the President on fire. We will be on fire for rightness and justice,” she promised, which means she was Feeling the Burn way before 20 year old college students ever found out about Sanders.  She’s also a five time recipient of the prestigious “Meanest Congress Member” title given by the Washingtonian, which polls staffers to vote for their most hated Congressional bosses.  It might have something to do with her response to a staffer she had working 18 hour days despite her having developed a serious eye condition, saying I don’t care anything about your disability”.  But hey, at least she’s honest.

Why we should vote for her:

If there’s even a 1% chance that President Lee takes the podium, shrieks at Congress, and ends her speech by setting herself on fire during a State of the Union, then you can bet your ass I’m trying to see that.


2) Vermin Supreme (D-The Parking Lot Behind Wendy’s)

Who is he?

Vermin Supreme is the founder of the Free Pony Party and there’s a zero percent chance he doesn’t smell like alley-piss and homeless blankets.  First coming into prominence during the 2012 presidential campaign, Vermin promises a free pony for every citizen and will pass a law requiring Americans to brush their teeth.  He also vows to fund time travel research, which is arguably more feasible than Trump’s “No Muslims Allowed” plan.  Vermin wears a boot as a hat that, while ridiculous, is still more presentable than whatever has taken residence on Trump’s head.  For the 2016 elections he will be running as a Democrat, so sorry twenty-somethings, but you’re going to have to consider someone other than Bernie. It’s time to feel the Verm.

Why we should vote for him:

Imagine a future with President Supreme.  You wake up, brush your teeth (as required by law), and mount your pony steed to travel 4 hours to your job at the boot-hat factory.  It sounds pretty miserable until you remember fuck that, I’ll just use the government time machine to check out a Roman gladiator match.  The best way to make a factory job more tolerable is working with the blood of a Gallic warrior fresh on your boots.  I think Gandhi said that.


1) Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Georgia)

Who is he?

Hank Johnson told a Navy admiral during an Armed Services Committee that he was afraid the addition of troops to Guam would cause the island to “tip over and capsize”.  I don’t even have a joke for that.  It’s expert-level stupidity that the comedic part of my brain could never have prepared for.  This man studied his way through college, clawed his way up through the rigors of politics, got elected to Congress, and then used his power as a Representative to ask the most pants-on-head retarded question I’ve ever heard an adult utter. To a Navy admiral.  Imagine if you had worked your ass off in your field for decades, finally rose to the top to become CEO of the company, and when you got the chance to be called to the White House you used that opportunity to ask Michelle which hole girls pee out of.

Why we should vote for him:

This man too stupid to be malicious.  He has that childlike curiosity that Trump found within himself and killed before his 8th birthday.  Johnson’s concerned about the impending Guamanian disaster not because his golf course/casino/human hunting enclosure might be lost, but because what did that poor island ever do to you, Navy?

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